I guess I’m no longer being buffeted by memory-fed emotions. I’ve always been such a “look forward” vs look back person, so it was a bit like being on an out of control rollercoaster. Things have most definitely calmed down. But it was quite a ride.

There’s nothing going on in my life that makes me long for the past, or want to play the “what-if” game, so that’s not what happened. In fact I feel more settled than I did even six months ago, when a bunch of little stressful things happened at once (similar to the rest of the world as the economy nose-dived!) But my family is great, my marriage is great, my business is picking up, (the weather is pretty lousy… .)

It was so strange, in fact, that I’ve been trying to analyze myself, in that amateur psychologist way. A bad idea, of course, but I’m doing it anyway.

Was it an age thing? A mid-life (non)crisis? I think it was, partly. You start to realize that you likely have fewer years left than you’ve already lived (I could live past 90, but then, I could die today.) I think being tossed back in time by reconnecting with long-lost friends certainly brings time into the fore-front.

I prefer, of course, to consider it an experience thing. It’s not just about memories and looking back but more about personal connections & friendships. Holding close those who share my sensibilities, and sense of humor. Being grateful that people who I missed but had shoved back into the recesses of my brain, simply due to the passage of time, have reappeared (thanks, Facebook!); some who were the best friends I’ve ever had, some who fell more into the category of acquaintances but who are developing into true friends all these years later. Yes, one status update or Facebook conversation at a time!

And bonus! A better appreciation for all my friends, the ones I’ve had for years and the ones I’ve had for weeks (because one of the things I take away from all this is that the deepest connections with other people can be forged in the blink of an eye, and once they’re made they remain with you forever.)

One thing that plays into this is technology, of course. I’ve always, probably to my detriment, been a lazy friend. I was never good at being the one to make plans, and I’ve never liked the phone. Even as a teen I would never call a friend just to talk, much preferring to write long, rambly letters. Heck, even Pat & I rarely spoke on the phone all those years we spent going to different schools and seeing each other only a couple times a month.

That’s probably why I leaped into bulletin boards, forums, email lists, and eventually Twitter and Facebook. It’s just more comfortable for me to relate to people this way, a better fit. Fortunately there are a lot of other people who are the same, apparently! Although I’m still a lazy friend, sad to say. So thanks for sticking with me…

So yes, there are friends I may never reconnect with because they don’t have any interest in connecting with me where I am (the web), and I of course don’t want to go where they are (phone calls). It’s sad, sure, but it’s also reality, and I’m nothing if not a realist.

I’ve done a lot of writing over the past month, but most of it has gone under the delete key once it was out of my brain and fingers. The simple act of spilling it all out was enough, and I didn’t see the point of pushing Publish.

But this one is going public.