banannie

One of the last items I posted to my old blog before moving to this one full time this past March was this by Ze Frank:

Pertinent partial transcript:

Sometimes I think about confidence, what it takes to get from zero to one.

It seems like what you think about creativity can affect that confidence. There’s a book edited by Robert Sternburg that deals with psychological research into creativity. One of the articles says that one of the only reliable indicators for increased creativity (however they measure it) is a person’s belief that creativity is something that you can work on, and change.

Confidence about gaining confidence.

For me that’s the interesting battleground: fighting against things I don’t think are possibilities. Not with the goal of having an inflated sense that you know you can do something. But instead just to get that glimmer of hope of possibility. To move from zero to one.

Those battles of confidence are what make that word ‘creativity’ so terrifying for me.

And it’s interesting to see how they play out in different professions. Artists like Twyla Tharp and Anne Lamott seem to have confidence in their ideas, but they battle with habit, with the regularity of their work. Business people seem to be confident with doing things every day but they battle to stretch out their ideas.

Just finding the battleground seems to be a step in the right direction.

I’m interested in this flip from zero to one, this confidence to start things, because I look at creative projects like they were Sudoku puzzles. You can stare at them as long as you like but you won’t suddenly see all the numbers. You have to start. You have to find one box to fill in. And from that, another one reveals itself. You might not be able to solve all of them; but as long as you know it’s possible, you’ll keep trying. And no matter how many you solve, each new one begins with a bunch of empty spaces.

Zero to one. Bittersweet.

A friend asked in the comments back then what it meant. My response was “I need to take those first steps to do the things I want to do. Kind of a theme around here lately!”

The past year has been a series of steps from zero to one.

• I took a step and stopped letting what I’d done in the past determine what I do next.
• I took a step and set up my hobby of designing for the web as a business.
• I took a step and set aside my old blog and started fresh here.
• I took a step and found new ways to create & distribute my content.
• I took a step and joined Twitter.
• I took a step and stopped hiding behind anonymity.
• I took a step and reached out to people who are successful and could teach me.
• I took a step and drove to Philadelphia for PodCamp Philly.
• I took a step and reached out to old friends I hadn’t spoken with in years.
• I took a step and decided to work with clients based on the project, not the money.
• I took a step and switched to a Mac.
• I took a step and joined Utterz, then Seesmic, where I found my voice and learned to love the camera.

All of these steps contributed to a change in what I do, how I act, who my friends are, what I create. I no longer answer the question “What do you do?” with “I stay home with my kids.” Although that’s still basically true, it no longer defines me. I’m on to the next phase.

But, with each step forward, there’s been a hesitation, because of momentary fear, or a lack of confidence. Some steps have been followed by a loss. Some old relationships have changed, but that’s been a constant in my life. Some friendships grow, others whither.

And I have to admit a part of me misses the intense mommy days. The days when it was enough to be “Mom” are behind me, though, which saddens me but excites me at the same time.

I suppose now it’s time to think about the steps I want to take in the coming year. I expect they’ll involve regular employment, better time management, and learning to play my new guitar.

“Zero to one. Bittersweet. “